“We’ve bought Lucky Charms in the past. My two-year-old daughter will only eat the marshmallows. The marshmallows are the tastiest parts, they provide the most intense sensations. However, the marshmallows are only meant to be a treat. The non-marshmallow parts actually do contain whole grains. She won’t go anywhere near those. She is missing the full nutritional experience. (Okay, Lucky Charms is a terrible example because there is too much sugar in the whole thing to be considered healthy at all…). My point is that I find a deep relationship between the concepts of healthy eating and healthy sexuality. Both require wholesomeness in order to be regenerative, healthy and life giving.

My wife and I have recently been educating ourselves on the importance of eating whole foods and the dangers of processed foods. Take grains, for example. White flour is essentially sugar. All barriers to digestion have been removed, so what’s left of the grain can be broken down and turned into energy (sugar) relatively quickly. While eating white flour might be enjoyable, it is not sustainable because your body’s blood sugar level will spike and then drop and then spike and then drop. This is what causes pasta-shock–the fatigue that follows eating a lot of pasta. It is also absent of all the things our body needs from the rest of the grain: vitamins, minerals and fiber. In the refining process, these things are removed and the end result is a highly concentrated, yet ultimately distorted version of wheat. I could take it further and talk about how the best food is the food you grow in your backyard, versus food that comes out of a factory. Having put in the work to raise up the food and harvest the fruit brings a sense of satisfaction that cannot be obtained by the object of the food item itself. Gratitude flows from being blessed with a good crop, to say nothing of the tremendous taste deficiency that comes when foods are picked before they are ripe so they can be transported thousands of miles before ripening in the grocery store.

Healthy sexuality has the same wholesomeness requirements. When we look at pornography or objectify in anyway (tangent: stereotyping, even non-sexual stereotyping, is a form of objectification!) we strip the experience of the good parts that make the entire experience a healthy, life-giving and regenerative experience. The lingering smell of the partner on the pillow, the fact that the bills are paid and the spouse feels safe, compliments and kindnesses that were shared hours or even days earlier, and probably most importantly, a commitment to each other (which probably falls under the “feeling safe” category), these things do not exist in objectification. Sexual objectification and processed foods are essentially the same thing. While looking at a naked body and the orgasm alone create the most intense physiological responses, they are meant to be the treat at the end of a holistic experience. Pornography and orgasm alone are not sustainable. The dopamine levels in the brain will spike then plummet, then spike then plummet, exhausting the body and mind and creating more fatigue and stress than existed before (which stress is often the reason these intense experiences are sought out, sugar or dopamine or otherwise).

In the past few weeks, I have been trying to adopt a whole foods plant-based diet. When I used to eat a lot of sugar and fat and salt, wholesome foods didn’t taste very good. They weren’t immediately satisfying and they took longer to prepare. More planning was involved and there just wasn’t enough time for it all. After some study, including a couple of documentaries (propaganda?), I had enough desire to make the switch. I noticed that my palate had changed. My body became more used to the lower levels of sugar, fat and salt. Two things happened as a result: 1) when I did sneak in a brownie or donut, my mouth was happy, but my throat down to the end of me wasn’t. There was still that immediate taste rush, but once my tongue wasn’t involved, the food had very little to offer the rest of me. 2) I have actually increased my taste sensitivity. Foods I never thought were good have suddenly become delightfully amazing. Everything is good now. I don’t think about getting through the salad so that I can get to the meaty entree, or getting through the vegetable side so that I can get to the sugary desert. The salad is the best part!

Which leaves me to sexuality recovery. I’ll make this part a bit more condensed:

• Educate: learn about healthy sexuality and the perils of objectification. Become informed. “Read the labels.”
• Motivate: let the truth about what is healthy and what is unhealthy and your sense of what is healthy (what we call “right”) and what is unhealthy (what we call “wrong” ) generate the desire to shun the wrong and cling to the right.
• Plan: eating wholesome foods takes planning and preparation. Meal plans are needed so that shopping (or harvesting) can be effective. Planning healthy outlets is also essential. The impulsive outlets don’t have the sustaining and regenerative powers that deliberate nurturing of relationships will bring.
• Recognize: identify and become aware of slips and remind yourself of their destructive quality. Identify and become aware of successes and your changing palate and remind yourself how much better life tastes when experienced holistically.

I thought about that word “cherished” for about 2 weeks. I tried to go back and think about things I cherished, and memories that surrounded those things. I cherished a girl named Stephanie, who was my next-door neighbor in elementary school. I recalled how I did about anything it would take to be around her, or play house with her, etc.

I remembered my first car: a silver, 1976 Chevy Monza, with white interior. I was in the driveway of our home every Saturday morning washing and polishing that car. I would take a toothpick to clean the interior. Nobody’s car looked better.
Playing football seemed my whole world. I wasn’t better than anybody else, but I think I worked harder than anybody else, because I “cherished” every moment of playing sports.

As I thought about all of the other things I really cherished, I realized that they were the things I gave the greatest attention to. They were things I spent most of my time with. They required great effort and follow through. I was consistent and persistent with these things. Then, I realized, “that is what that student was talking about.” He taught me that until I valued my recovery in the same way I valued my car, my girlfriend, getting high, being popular, playing sports, my recovery progress might suffer.

Candeo and all of its tools have helped me to truly “cherish” my own recovery. As a result, my progress has improved dramatically. I tell others, “if you knew how wonderful recovery was, you’d put your track shoes on, and sprint to get there.” My sprinting started, when I truly began to “cherish” my own recovery

I have wanted to change for many years. In the past I have gone over the plan in my head to get this accomplished. I slipped up over and over again because I used denial and forced restraint. FRC has been the missing tool I needed. So far, all has gone extremely well. I have not been porn and masturbation free for this long ever (at least 45 years). I am not the type of person who “waits for the other shoe to drop” but I do know that I must be on guard. The daily exercises help in that regard. Failure in the past for me was also due to not facing why I got to this point. I was molested as a child and I am gradually “unpeeling that onion” as well. I have a great wife (32 years) great kids, grand kids and other family. I am also spiritually active both personally and with my church. I also have a business which is going well and I am respected in my field by my peers. To be honest, I have lived a dual life. One of reality and the other of fantasy. The older I get I have noticed my fantasy life affecting my real life in terms of my spirituality, my relationships, my job and my self-worth. I am so happy I found Candeo before things got totally out of hand and before those close to me found out my dark side. I feel I am back on the road to a “normal” life. I understand that I need to talk to someone about my dark side if for no other reason than to get it into the light and expose the ugliness and thus diminish the allure. I have confessed to priests in the past and will continue to do so. Also, I have a very close friend who knows but not to the extent it was controlling my life. However, this forum and the lessons has been the real answer to my prayers. 

1. The pornography addict hits “rock bottom” where their life and/or most important relationships have become so miserable, dysfunctional or unmanageable, they will do “anything” to get help.

2. A spouse, partner, parent or boss discovers the individual’s pornography addiction and demands they get help “or else.”

One of the scenarios that is conspicuously missing from this list is a third option: The struggling individual seeks help voluntarily, early in his pornography addiction—before his life and relationships get hammered. Unfortunately, these individuals are very few and far between. Why? In my experience, porn addicts hesitate or refuse to get help for a number of reasons:

A. Shame and Fear: The porn user feels tremendous shame, and fears that if those he cares for find out about his addiction, they will reject him—he will lose his reputation, their respect and their love.

B. I Can Handle it Myself: Because he fears anyone discovering his addiction, he convinces himself that he can break out of his porn use by himself. He may also go it alone because he is convinced that “it’s really not that serious—it’s no big deal.” Of course, he chooses to discount or ignore the fact that he has tried to overcome it by himself countless times and failed.

C. I’m Not Sure I Want to Stop: Pornography use triggers the release of powerful neurochemicals in the brain producing an instant pleasure rush, a high and an escape from the stress and pressures of life. Porn can create a “chemical dependency” like that found with other drugs of choice. The addict doesn’t know if he can, or even wants to give up his self-medication through porn.

Regardless of which of these scenarios apply, I find that most individuals caught up in pornography addiction use tend to diminish, discount or outright deny that they have a problem or need porn addiction help. So how do you know if you are addicted to pornography? There are many different signs and attributes of addiction. Here are just a few questions that can help you in the addiction identification process:

How Do I Know if I’m Addicted?

Answer the following questions:

1. Does your porn use feel out of your control?

2. Do you have trouble controlling when you will look at porn and limiting the time you spend? Have you made unsuccessful attempts to quit?

3. Do you feel anger or irritability if you are confronted about your porn use or asked to stop?

4. Do you feel like there is another person or force inside of you driving you to pornography?

5. Do you keep using porn despite negative consequences?

6. Do you “get lost” in porn use—lose track of time; spend more time than intended; neglect work, school, relationships and other responsibilities?

7. Does pornography consume your thinking? When you’re not viewing it, do you think about it and anticipate when you will indulge again?

8. Is your porn use in conflict with your values and beliefs? Do you feel guilt, shame, remorse, empty and/or depressed after viewing porn?

9. Do you keep your porn use a secret and fear that others might find out?

10. Have you ever promised yourself that you would never use pornography again?

If you answered “yes” to more than a few of these questions, there is a very strong probability that you are addicted to pornography. In my experience, I can tell you that if you don’t take steps to get on the path to porn addiction recovery, your addiction will only escalate and your life will become increasingly unmanageable over time.

In addition, if you believe you can conquer this on your own, history is against you. I have yet to find an individual who was able to break free all alone. However, I also know of the guilt, shame and fear that accompany this addiction. If you are like many struggling under the weight of this heavy burden, “going public” with your porn use and telling a spouse, parent, family, friends or others may be “unthinkable.”

This is why we have created the Candeo online recovery training program—so that you could have a safe, anonymous place to come and get started on your recovery journey. In the Candeo program, we also provide you with a “program Coach”—a real human being who communicates with you anonymously through your own private message board.

So, what are you waiting for? We’re here, ready to help you begin the process of breaking free from your pornography or masturbation addiction. And as you begin experiencing recovery success, your confidence, self-esteem and courage will greatly increase. You will get to the place where you no longer desire to “go it alone”—you will begin to reach out and connect with people who care about you; people who will help you continually move forward in recovery and your overall success in life.

I want to quickly check in with you tonight and tell you how grateful I am. For a long time in my life I was completely numb to things. I knew that I needed to set goals, so I would set them, but they would rarely get completed. As I look back on my time since starting Candeo, there are a handful of “moments of clarity” where things just make sense. Before starting here I just kind of floated along in my life, even during the times when unwanted sexual behaviours weren’t all consuming, I would just be blown around by the wind. I went to school, then more school, then got a logical job, and kind of took what came to me. Since I’ve been here I’ve learned so much about how my brain works and how to set and accomplish the goals that I want. I have seen such progress in many areas of my life that when I am not making progress, I get frustrated. This week I feel like I’ve been up against a brick wall, and I just can’t break through, and now I know the steps to keep moving forward and overcome these obstacles. There are so many wonderful things for me to accomplish, and so many parts of my life that could be improved upon, and this of course makes life very exciting. I will always remember the circumstances and location of where I was when I realized that the program isn’t designed to change my behavior (which is what I thought I wanted), but it is designed to help me change my thoughts, and that will lead to behavioural change. Talk about a paradigm shift. That day forever changed my life, and when I have weeks like this week, where things aren’t going my way, and I feel unmotivated, I know I can change what happens inside my mind to affect change on the outside. It is so very exciting, but I need a kick in the pants every once in a while to keep progressing. This week = kick in the pants!

I must say that since I’ve had some sustained sobriety life is much more interesting! I used to go through the days feeling awful, with little interest in anything. Shame weighed down on me like a huge boulder, and the only thing I looked forward to was the nighttime, so I could sleep and let the unconsciousness carry me away from my pain for a few hours. And yet, even in those moments of sleep I was sometimes plagued with pornographic dreams, which only fueled my feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness. I haven’t had a pornographic dream in months, and the boulder of shame is pretty much gone. I still have some moments, but they are less frequent and far less burdensome than before. Candeo gave me hope, and my successes have strengthened that hope, so I now have a much more positive outlook on life, mine in particular.

When I first got my pilot’s license many years ago, a veteran pilot told me the key to “flying safely” for the rest of my life. “If you put a pin hole in a piece of paper; hold it up to the sky, and all you see is blue in every direction, its probably a good day to fly.” I said I would “always follow that advice. I did, until one day, a friend had box seat tickets for us in a far away city, “if you can make it by tonight.” My partner and I disregarded all the warning signs, hopped into our little Cessna, and started our journey to the city. It was only while in the air we got the weather report: Potentially nasty weather ahead. After about 10 minutes of debate, we determined to turn around and cancel the trip. The only problem was that there was a major dust storm coming from the other direction, and was almost to the airport where we had taken off from. The story got worse from there, but what’s important is that we got hasty, gave up our safety plans for something we thought we wanted really bad. It almost cost us our lives. My partner and I have commented many times to each other, “what in the world were we thinking?” It easily could have cost us our lives.

One of the great opportunities provided in the Candeo program is the chance to look at the behaviors that precede a slip, in order to prevent a slip in the future. In this way, slips actually become tiny miracles, because we can put the slip under a microscope, examine it, and move on with greater confidence and skill. Without this, we find ourselves repeating the same behaviors, over and over again, wondering “what went wrong,” and never able to really get to the bottom of the issue. It’s almost like preparing a “flight plan” for the day. I examine the weather, call ahead, check with the airport facilities, DO MY HOMEWORK, to the extent possible. This doesn’t mean that unforeseen circumstances don’t happen to challenge us, but our preparation for them, makes us infinitely more prepared for them. The Candeo tools enable us to prepare just such daily flight plans, which, if utilized, find those moments where our heads are in our hands in shame and disgust; lamenting “how did I get here?” further and further apart, with recovery getting stronger and more powerful.